Blame is a wonderful game (it must be, because we play it all the time!). Now, you just can’t say something like that; you need quotes to back it up. So here are five great quotes about blame (and I wouldn’t blame you if you memorized them because, sooner or later, they will come in handy).

  • “To make a mistake is human, but to blame it on someone else, that’s even more human.” (Anonymous)
  • “The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.” (Robert Bloch) 
  • “I never blame myself when I’m not hitting. I just blame the bat.” (Yogi Berra)
  • “There’s man all over for you, blaming on his boots the fault of his feet.” (Samuel Beckett)
  • “To err is human, to blame someone else is politics.” (Hubert H. Humphrey) 

In short, this post is all your fault. And if you want to argue that fact, I have one sure comeback: You are self-deceived. 

Unfortunately, we are all self-deceived. That’s the point of the book we are discussing in this series. It’s entitled, Leadership and Self-Deception (the Arbinger Institute, 2000). Again, let me dissuade any fears that this is only a business book. True, it is set in the context of a business (it is written as a business fable), but its principles apply to all relationships, and I highly recommend purchasing the book so that you can get the full value out of it (it would be a great book to discuss among friends). Last week, we began our discussion by making three points: 

  1. The problem with being self-deceived is that we don’t know we are self-deceived.
  2. When we are self-deceived, we see people as objects whose only real purpose (for us) is to help us accomplish what we want.
  3. When we treat people as objects, we unknowingly and unconsciously broadcast that fact. And when people realize we are only interested in them for what they can do for us, they begin to resist us.

At first glance, self-deception sounds like a rather innocuous trait designed to protect us from pain, but it turns out its aim is not so much to protect us as to cast aspersions on others and blame them. As a result, it infects our relationships with all sorts of nasty viruses of distrust, dissension, self-centeredness and misunderstanding. But it only gets worse. 

 

Part 1: Key Points to Think About (Chapters 6-11)

  • When we are not in the box (when we are not self-deceived), we see ourselves and others more or less as we are–as people who have hopes, needs, cares and fears (just like us). However, when we are in the box (when we are self-deceived), we see ourselves and others in a systematic distorted way so that people become mere objects to us. When we are self-deceived, we don’t see reality. We see things the way we want them to appear.
  • People respond to us, not primarily based on what we do (on our behavior), but on how we’re “being”–whether we’re in the box (and seeing people as objects) or out of the box (seeing people as people).
  • In every situation, we have a choice. We can choose to honor the sense of what we feel we should do for our neighbor and do it, or we can betray that sense and not do it. When we act contrary to what we feel we ought to do, we betray ourselves and put ourselves in the box. 
  • When we know what we should do for others, but choose not to do it, we betray ourselves. That act of self-betrayal puts us in the box. 
  • When we betray that sense of what is right, we begin to see ourselves and others differently. We tend to justify our own behavior and put ourselves in the best possible light. Unfortunately, we also tend to blame the other person and see them in the worst light.
  • Once we betray ourselves, we begin to see the world in a way that places blame on the other person and justifies why we refuse to do the right thing. 

 

Part 2: Show and Tell

No one likes to dry a wet dog. No one. But Ragna (the dog) wanted to go out; and so, despite the downpour, Jo (the wife) got up from the couch and let him out. She then decided that since she was up, she would go into the kitchen and empty the dishwasher. Before she got up, I was sitting with Jo on that couch; and while she was working on her laptop, I was working on mine. In just a minute, Ragna will walk to the backdoor and wait for someone to let him in. But no one likes to dry a sopping wet dog. No one. I don’t and Jo doesn’t. The question is: Who will? The stage is now set. 

I look up and see Ragna coming to the back door. He is not there yet, but I have this sense that I ought to get up and be the one to let him in. After all, I am technically closer to the back door (but only by twelve feet) and she got up to let him out (so maybe it is my turn). But while I wouldn’t mind letting him in, I really don’t want to take the time to dry him off. After all, no one likes to dry a wet dog and our dog is now soaked. And I don’t want to be bothered doing that. I really don’t. And so, I choose not to. I betray what I know to be right and let Jo do it. After all, she let him out. Why should I pay for her error? She should have told him to wait until the storm had passed. Plus, Jo is already standing. She is going to be able to get to Ragna a lot faster than I will. I have to save my document and put my laptop aside–she could be half done drying by the time I get there. And so, I decide–Jo ought to dry the pup (well, I know I ought to, but I’m not going to!). But I have a saving grace here. The rule is whoever sees Ragna at the door first, ought to be the one to let him in. I saw him coming toward the door, but he hadn’t made it yet so, technically, I am not obligated to do anything. But if Jo is the first to see him when he gets to the door, she is obligated to do it. I decide to type something very important into my laptop; something that would occupy my full attention and cause me to look down and not toward the back door. Plus, if Jo sees how busy I am, she would certainly get Ragna. I peek. Ragna is now at the door. Any second I should hear Jo moving to let him in, but instead I hear her putting bowls away. But there is no way she could not have seen Ragna standing at the door–no way! Unless she is lying. She saw him, but she didn’t want to get him, and so she is pretending that she didn’t see him (now, that’s dirty pool). She let him out. She should let him in. Not only that, but I am working here. And I’m doing God’s work–work that is important; work that is on a deadline; work that receives a paycheck; and work that is always accompanied by a good deal of stress. What kind of wife would guilt her husband to put aside such important work (again, God’s work), and get up and clean up her mess? And now that we’re on the subject, what kind of a dog-mom lets her dog out when it is pouring outside. And if it was a matter of life or death, wouldn’t you stand by the door waiting so that as soon as he was ready, he could come in? Of course, you would! No good dog-mom would abandon her post. 

Now, I might not have been able to articulate all those points in the two seconds it took me to decide that I was not going to dry Ragna off, but I absolutely felt all those things. Jo was irresponsible (if she let Ragna out, it was her job to bring him in); she was lying (of course, she saw Ragna at the door first); she was terribly inconsiderate (what I was doing was far more important); she was selfish (she was already up and about; but she wanted me to stop what I was doing, put the laptop aside and get up); she was a bad dog-mom (who let’s their dog out in a storm like this?); and she was a bad wife (what about putting me first for a change!). Meanwhile, I’m being mistreated here. I’m being asked to clean up her mess and fix her bad choices even though what I am doing is far more important. Plus, I am the rule keeper (whoever lets the dog out is responsible to let the dog back in again). All I am asking from her is what is right. And I am most certainly a good dog-dad. I want him to be well cared for the instant he arrives at the door (by the person who should do it).

I had a choice. I knew what the right thing to do was. I should have let Ragna in. But as soon as I chose to betray what I knew to be right, I became self-deceived and my view of reality became distorted (in this example, extremely distorted). I needed Jo to be the villain, and I needed to justify my actions as being good and holy. And in a split second, I imagined a totally inaccurate picture of Jo (since she reads this blog, I feel compelled to say that again–this was a totally inaccurate picture!). Again, these accusations may not have been on the tip of my tongue, but I was moving toward all of them. As a result, everything shifted. In my mind, I was the good guy, the important guy and the right guy. In this scenario, Jo was none of the above. And all this happened because I needed to justify my self-betrayal. And part of my justification is that the other person is worthy of blame. I am innocent and righteous. They are guilty and responsible for everything bad.

Can you see yourself in such a scenario? If so, you also are in a huge mess.

 

Part 3: A Theological Thought

Roman 3 is not a fun passage, but we often try to “limit” its damage by focusing its meaning only on our relationship with God. Now, we have to start there, but if that is all we say, we have missed out on most of what Paul is saying here. See, our relationships with one another are also being discussed here. Look at what Paul says.

  • Verse 10: “There is no one righteous, not even one. . . .” Self-deception is an attempt to prove to ourselves that we are indeed righteous and that it’s not our sin that is causing our relationship struggles.
  • Verse 11: “There is no one who understands; there is no one who seeks God.” Instead of turning to God and trusting in him, we strive to go our own way and prove to everyone that we are in the right (we try to show that we don’t really need God; we can do life and our relationships all on our own).
  • Verse 12: “All have turned away; they have together become worthless. . . .” Self-deception is lying to ourselves so that our perception of reality holds us in high regard.
  • Verse 12: “There is no one who does good, not even one. . . .” Being open and honest about our sin, selfishness and failings with humility would actually strengthen our relationships. Trying to portray ourselves as good and right harms them.
  • Verse 13-14: “Their throats are open graves; their tongues practice deceit. The poison of vipers is on their lips. Their mouths are full of cursing and bitterness.” When we blame others, denigrate others, speak ill of others, spread untruths about others, the poison of vipers is on our lips.
  • Verses 15-17: “Their feet are swift to shed blood; ruin and misery mark their ways, and the way of peace they do not know.” When we are quick to blame others or to excuse our own actions, we are not seeking peace.
  • Verse 18: “There is no fear of God before their eyes.” When we fear God, we will speak the truth, confess our sin to each other and seek reconciliation with everyone. It may be that the other person is not the enemy. We may be our own worst enemy. 

 

Part 4: A Few Things to Think About

Here are some things to think about this week.

  1. Take note of any time you feel the overwhelming need to be right (and the other person wrong). What do you gain in demonstrating that you were right?
  2. How often do you find yourself blaming others?
  3. How much time each week do you spend justifying yourself or your actions to others?
  4. How does it feel to know you can’t always be trusted when it comes to an honest assessment of another person’s actions? How does Romans 3 speak into that?
  5. What one verse from Romans 3 stands out to you as something you especially need to be on guard against? 

More self-awareness next week. Sorry.