Let’s have a quiz. Fill in the blank with the missing word in the song title and, then, for the bonus, fill in the blank with the missing word to discover our topic for today.

  1. Who Will _____ The Rain? – Creedence Clearwater Revival
  2. I Can’t _____ Loving You – Jim Reeves
  3. Don’t ______ Me Now – Queen
  4. Don’t ______ Believin’ – Journey
  5. Don’t _____ — Fleetwood Mac
  6. Can’t _____ — Red Hot Chili Peppers

Bonus: How Do We ____ Getting in the Box?
Bonus Bonus: ____ right now and give yourself a bonus point if you know all six songs.

So far in this series, we’ve been overrun by bad news. We have examined our posturing from the moment we betray ourselves, and it has been ugly. As soon as we refuse to love our neighbor and to put their interests above our own (Phil. 2:3-4), even though we know we ought to (what the book calls self-betrayal), we get trapped in a doom cycle where we go from bad to worse. Our refusal to do what we know we ought to do (through either sins of commission or omission) immediately drives us into the box, and from that point on things get messy. We need to justify ourselves for failing to do what we know all “good” people would do, and so we begin to blame the other person. We paint them in the worst possible light and imagine ourselves as being righteous in everything we do. And here’s the worst part: We are blind to our own sin and have no idea how we are perceiving the people around us. All that to say, so far, the book, Leadership and Self-Deception (the Arbinger Institute, 2000), has been insightful, but it’s been very bad news. And that leads us to our secret word and today’s question: How do we STOP getting in the box? Or better, how can we STOP shooting ourselves in the foot in our relationships?

But before we get to our new chapters, let’s review:

  1. The problem with being self-deceived is that we don’t know we are self-deceived.
  2. When we are self-deceived (aka, to be “in the box”), we see ourselves and others in a distorted way. We ignore the truth and see things in the way we want them to appear.
  3. After betraying ourselves over a long period of time, we develop patterns that are characteristic of us. In short, we carry certain boxes with us wherever we go.
  4. People have a sense of how we feel about them. If they sense we are blaming them for something, they will respond to us in a defensive posture. They will begin to blame us and will start to justify their own bad behavior. However, there is one difference between us. They are now in the box because we provoked them to do so.  
  5. When we are “in the box” against someone, we provoke that person to do more of what we say we don’t like about them. We need them to continue doing what we criticize so that they remain blameworthy.
  6. Because when we are “in the box” against someone and they are “in the box” against us and because we both need each other to continue in this bad behavior so that we both can justify our own actions, we act almost as if we have colluded together, saying: “I will mistreat you so you can blame your bad behavior on me if you’ll mistreat me so I can blame my bad behavior on you.” (LaSD, p. 101).
  7. Once we provoke someone to get in their “own box” toward us, we give them all sorts of reasons for them to stay in the box.
  8. Once we are so focused on justifying ourselves (and blaming the other person), we cannot focus on how to resolve the issue at hand. We are only interested in protecting our sense of self-righteousness.


Part 1: Key Points to Think About (Chapters 17-20)

  • Our pride drives us into the box and poisons all of our relationships. By thinking we are superior, we communicate to everyone around us that they are inferior and less than significant. 
  • Our arrogance provokes the very problems in the people around us that we are complaining about. Worse, we complain about them feeling justified because we are sure they are inferior and insignificant.  
  • When we see people as people (and not as objects) and when we feel the need to help them, we are out of the box. And as soon as we step out of the box, we no longer feel the need to blame the other person or see them as inferior. And we no longer resent them.
  • When we ask the question, “How do we get out of the box?” we are really asking two separate questions.  First, “how do we get out?” Second, “how do we stay out?”
  • Once we feel that we want to be out of the box toward someone, we are already out of the box.  
  • There are numerous ways we try to get out of the box that do not work. First, we do not get out of the box by trying to change the other person so that we can (finally) accept them as a person. But their problems are not the reason I am in the box toward them and “solving” those problems will not change that. Second, we do not get out of the box by committing ourselves to put up with the other person. Deciding simply to tolerate someone is just a sophisticated way to see them as someone who is blameworthy. Third, we do not get out of the box merely by leaving the situation and putting the person behind us. The fact is, we take our box wherever we go. Fourth, communicating with the other person about the issue doesn’t solve things either. Unfortunately, when we are in the box, we communicate our box and all of its baggage. Unwholesome words help no one. Our last unproductive strategy is for us to change (or promise to change). However, when we are in the box, any change we make is quietly an attempt to manipulate the other person. There is no such thing as real heart change when we are in the box. It is only a technique to swindle the other person.  
  • Any behavior we suggest as a means to get out of the box can be done inside or outside the box. In other words, there is no behavioral change that will guarantee us freedom from the box.  The solution must be found elsewhere.
  • Since the box is deeper than our behavior, the solution to get out of the box must be deeper than our behavior, too.


Part 2: Show and Tell

Once we enter the box, we begin to blame the other person. We need to blame someone so that we can maintain our self-righteousness. But the problem with being in the box is that we can’t stop. We can’t stop thinking of ourselves as right. We can’t stop seeing the other person as the problem.  We can’t stop provoking the other person to be in their own box against us. We can’t stop trying to win.  We can’t stop trying to manipulate the other person. We can’t stop seeing ways we are better than the other person.  We can’t stop thinking that we are innocent. That’s the problem with self-deception. We see everything in a distorted manner where it’s always the other person’s fault.

But what if, whenever a conflict was about ready to start, we stopped and took blame for the whole thing. What if we started every fight by saying to ourselves, “Stop. This is all my fault.” Now, that certainly has some truth to it. We have said numerous times that we are guilty of provoking the other person to be in the box. We have also said the other person “reads” our attitude towards them. That’s enough for me to say we are (at least partly) responsible for the conflict. So, what if we stopped and thought about all the ways we could have instigated the whole thing and took responsibility for that? I think it would stop things from going off the rails. And it might just be that, by taking responsibility, the other person might jump in and volunteer to take some of the blame themselves. I would like to argue that if we wanted to stop the conflict, the best way for us to do so, would be for us to take blame for the issue at hand. 

Now, that seems crazy, but it would stop things before they got out of hand, and it would open the door to further conversations, conversations that would be impossible to have if we were in the box.  And our confession would have to come out of a position of strength, not weakness or manipulation, but an honest assessment of my role in spurring the other person on to anger and hostility. I offer this as a suggestion: what if our first response was not to blame the other person, but to take responsibility for any harm done?  What if our first response was to say, “It’s my fault?”

 

Part 3: A Theological Thought

So far in this study of the book, we have unpacked what we usually do when a conflict starts to take shape (betray God’s call, blame the other person, justify our actions, inflate the other person’s faults, provoke others to be in their own box, etc.). Paul, however, gives a better way. He writes in Ephesians 4 (29-32): 

“Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths,
but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs,
that it may benefit those who listen.
And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God,
with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption.
Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander,
along with every form of malice.
Be kind and compassionate to one another,
forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”  

Remember, unwholesome words are not words that Ozzie and Harriet would never dare use on their TV program; they are not “bad” words or “adult words,” but are words that are designed to serve our own selfish agenda. Paul is saying that instead of blaming, finding fault, criticizing, and promoting our own self-righteousness (unwholesome words), we should speak words that are designed to build up the other person, so that our words may meet their needs. He insists that instead of grieving the Holy Spirit, we give ourselves over to love the other person. And we do that by being kind and compassionate and by being willing to forgive each other. If we applied Paul’s words to every situation where a conflict was brewing, we would never get into the box. Or if we did allow our emotions to land us in the box, we would certainly not be in it for long. What we need to do is stop; stop all unwholesome speech; stop focusing only on our needs and desires; stop seeing the other person as less important; stop grieving the Holy Spirit through our conflicts; stop all slander and malice; stop promoting our own self-righteousness and stop demanding the other person behave in a way that meets our approval and, instead, give them grace and forgiveness and love.

How do we get out of the box? Paul knows the secret.  But the secret is not in the knowing, but in the doing.

 

Part 4: A Few Things to Think About

This week, while you are out and about, be aware of a few things.

  1. Take note of how you are (at least somewhat) responsible for the interpersonal struggles you find yourself in over the next seven days.
  2. Take note also of how often you use “unwholesome” words (words designed to protect yourself and tear down the other person) in your conversations.  
  3. Try to replace all “unwholesome” words with words that seek to meet the needs of the other person.
  4. Try on “taking blame” for all interpersonal strife and see how it goes. It will feel strange, but perhaps this is an example of what Jesus meant when he called us to “die to self.”

Next week, we will wrap things up and outline how we can get out of the box and stay out of the box. If that fails to encourage you, I apologize. I totally am to blame.