Every once in a while, Aesop across the face is exactly what we need. Today, it comes from a colony of mice. Apparently, after months of fun and games and pilfering, a new cat had come on the scene. And that was a problem. Every day now, the cat would sneak up on a second cousin and hickory, dickory, dock, another mouse no longer needed a clock. The mice decided they needed to do something or face extermination. And so, they called a colony-wide meeting, and every tail showed up. Several mice explained the problem in colorful detail. but no mouse in the house had a solution. Then, a young rodent stepped forward with a brilliant plan. “Given that any mouse with a bit of a head start can outrun a cat,” he said, “all we need is a warning that the cat is approaching. So, let’s attach a bell to the cat’s collar!” Everyone loved the idea. It was brilliant. An early-warning bell system was exactly what they needed. Many of the mice were leaping for joy that their problem was solved. Others were singing praises. But then, one old mouse stood up and said, “I agree the plan is marvelous, but I have one question: Which one of us will volunteer to put the bell on the cat?” And then we get Aesop in the face. Aesop concludes: “It is one thing to say that something should be done, but quite a different matter to do it.” 

There is a gap. We all know it, but most of the time we don’t do anything about it. In fact, it could be said we like the gap. It is the gap between knowing and doing. We are all in favor of knowing, and we are all in favor of others doing, but we are not so enthralled with us doing. Today, we conclude our brief series on the book, Leadership and Self-Deception (Arbinger Institute, San Francisco, 2000). I think this is one of the best relationship books out there because it lays out what is going on under the surface in a conflict. And, in my opinion, it is spot on. And because it brilliantly lays out what is happening, it opens the door for us to see how we can sidestep the cycle of doom and start to treat each other as people again. There’s just one problem with the book. It does no good whatsoever if we just read it and learn its great principles. We have to do it. It is one thing to say that something should be done or could be done or to outline what is being done, it is quite a different matter to actually doing it. But before getting to that, let’s review one last time.

Before we get to our new chapters, let’s review:

  1. The problem with being self-deceived is that we are blind to our own-self-deception, and this blindness happens fast.
  2. When we are self-deceived (aka, to be “in the box”), we see ourselves and others in a distorted way. We ignore the truth and see things in the way we want them to appear.
  3. Our practice is to carry certain boxes with us wherever we go.
  4. We provoke people to be “in the box” toward us. We are mostly to blame for their negative response toward us.
  5. When we are “in the box,” we need the other person to do more of what we don’t like about them so they remain blameworthy.
  6. Once we are so focused on justifying ourselves (and blaming the other person), we cannot focus on how to resolve the issue at hand. We are only interested in protecting our sense of self-righteousness. 
  7. Our pride drives us into the box and poisons all of our relationships. We think we are right, above reproach and superior and that they are wrong and inferior. 
  8. As soon as we see people as people (and not as objects) and are willing to help them, we are out of the box toward them. 
  9. To get out of the box, we must not try to change the other person, nor should we try to communicate with them what is wrong (because no matter what we say, the reality is we see the problem as being something that is wrong about them) or try to manipulate them into doing what we want. 


Part 1: Key Points to Think About (Chapters 21-24)

  • Our “self-betrayal” isn’t passive. When I am “in the box,” I am actively resisting the other person and God’s command for me to love and honor them. This is not a sin of omission. it is a sin of commission.
  • When we betray what we feel we ought to do for another person, we not only get “in the box” against them, but we also dig in our heels to stay “in the box” by actively resisting them. It is not a one-time decision. It is an active choice to put them in their place.
  • Once we stop resisting others, we stop being “in the box” toward them. We can stop resisting them at any point. All it takes is for us to decide to stop putting our needs and desires above theirs. The choice is always right there.
  • I can be “in the box” toward one person and “out of the box” toward another at the same time. Just because I am “in the box” toward person “x,” doesn’t mean I have to be “in the box” toward person “y,” even though they are standing side-by-side.
  • We get out of the box by repenting. When we stop and question our own virtue and begin to own our own sin, we remove ourselves from the box.
  • As soon as we value the other person’s needs above our own and set aside our own selfish ambition, we break free of our box. Loving the person in front of us and wanting what is best for them sets us free.
  • Once I get my eyes off of my wants, my superiority and my sense of self-righteousness, I can choose to serve the other person. That choice allows me out of the box.
  • Being out of the box doesn’t overwhelm us with burdensome obligations, but frees us to honor the people around us as people. It frees us from being antagonistic toward them so that we can treat them as friends.
  • When we are “out of the box,” we smooth the way for others to be “out of the box.” When we put aside self-ambition and self-righteousness, we can finally get to work on solving any problems that come our way, but this time as collaborators and not as competitors or enemies.


Part 2: Show and Tell

Here’s the best take-away from the whole book. At the very beginning of every conflict, we have to stop and admit that we are the one responsible for the disagreement (if not completely, significantly). We betrayed what we knew we should do and refused to love the other person. That’s our fault. We are self-deceived and distort the truth. That is our fault. We blame the other person and exaggerate their faults. That’s our fault. We inflate our own virtue and importance. That’s our fault. We do whatever we can to protect our own sense of self-righteousness. That’s our fault. We provoke the other person to respond to us negatively (whether that be our attitude, our tone of voice, our body language, our previous encounters or whatever). That’s our fault. We collude with others so that they will behave badly toward us so that we can justify our bad behavior toward them. That’s our fault. We are sure we are right (we also think we are superior) and so we push to prove that the other person is wrong instead of calmly trying to resolve the issue at hand. That’s our fault. We try to change the other person so that they will do what we want, and we try to manipulate the other person into doing what we want. That’s our fault.  We actively resist the other person. That’s our fault. In the midst of our conflict, we know we should stop and repent instead of continuing to battle, but we refuse. That’s our fault. We are more concerned with protecting our image, our self-righteousness and our being right than we are about humbling ourselves and putting the needs of the other person ahead of our own. That’s our fault. In the middle of a disagreement, we see the worst in the other person. That’s our fault. Even when the other person speaks a harsh word out of the blue against us, we have to ask if perhaps we did something to upset them or if we provoked them in some way or did something else to draw their ire. And even if we can’t think of anything that we did, if we respond badly toward them in response, that’s our fault. No matter how we look at it, if we are in a conflict, it is likely that it is our fault. Even if the other person is equally to blame, we still get to choose our response; and if we choose to engage in the conflict, then it is our fault. We are still blaming the other person, and if we are blaming them, then the conflict is our fault. What is the solution? Paul shows us the path forward.


Part 3: A Theological Thought

Paul writes in Philippians 2:1-4 everything we need to embody: 

“Therefore if you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any common sharing in the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.” 

Here’s Paul’s description of life “in the box.” We forget who we are in Christ. We push aside any thoughts of responding with tenderness or compassion because we want to be shown right. We refuse to love our neighbor. We are selfish, ambitious, and only really concerned about our status and our image. We are arrogant and proud. We feel superior to others, and we inflate our value so that we appear superior (at least in our own minds). We are only concerned about our interests and consider the interests of others less important. We actively resist people and willfully push them aside. We believe our rights and status are more important than Jesus’ command to turn the other cheek and love our enemies. Ask Paul how we get out of the box, and he would point to verses 3-4 as the key. We need to put aside our ambition, clothe ourselves in humility, put the needs of the other ahead of our own and serve. That’s what love looks like.

We can say it this way. When a potential conflict is on the horizon, we need to stop. We need to slow things down and commit ourselves to love the other person in this moment. That won’t come easily or naturally; and so before we can move toward love, we need to repent of our sinful inclinations to see ourselves as superior or right. We need to repent of our self-righteousness. We need to repent of our failure to love, and we need to repent of our selfishness. Then, we need to die to self and commit ourselves to not act on any self-serving pursuits, but instead take up our cross and follow Jesus in the way of love and serve. Stop. Repent. Die to self. Put the needs of the other person first. Serve the other person in love. Repeat. That’s how we get out of the box.


Part 4: A Few Things to Think About

  1. Buy your own copy of the book, Leadership and Self-Deception. But don’t just buy it. Read it. Think deeply about it. And then seek to live it out in everything you do (remember Aesop!). And don’t skimp. Buy the fourth edition and benefit from all the updated materials.
  2. Think deeply about Philippians 2:3-4. Memorize it and repeat it to yourself numerous times a day.
  3. Take note throughout the week of the times when you feel yourself being drawn to act on the basis of selfish ambition, vain conceit, pride, superiority and self-centeredness. 
  4. Seek to demonstrate love to those around you by continually putting their needs ahead of your own.
  5. Don’t give self-deception a foot in the door. Stop frequently. Repent often. Die to self constantly. Put the needs of the other person first. Give yourself away in loving service. 
  6. And whatever you do, don’t confuse knowing with doing!